Фотографы шутят (для знающих английский)

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Только что на одном из фото-ориентированных форумов прочитала новую ветку - здорово повеселилась. Интересно узнать вашу реакцию. Я выделила мои любимые.
Правда, здесь есть немного фото-жаргона. Авторы шуток - фотографы, продающие свои фотографии через сток-агентства.
Итак
Chuck Norris Photography Facts (да-да, это про того самого Чака Норриса)

Chuck Norris does not use Neutral Density filters, he simply stares the Sun down into dimness.

Chuck Norris does not need to adjust his lens for bokeh, everything else in the background usually shivers out of fear of him to produce that effect.

You can't take a portrait of Chuck Norris because the only photo that'll come out is of his shoe... just before he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris' chest hair is the sole reason for digital noise.

In any photograph, Chuck Norris is the Dominant Object.

When lighting, Chuck Norris uses two kickers; His left foot and his right foot.

Chuck Norris does not believe in Model Releases(*)... Until he's good and ready to release them.

(*) Model Release - разрешение модели на использование ее фотографии; вещь абсолютно необходимая

In the darkroom, Chuck Norris gives new meaning to the term "Wetting Agent." It now comes in the form of the enemy's pants.

Chuck Norris photos usually end up with Red Eye... From the blood.

There is no need for Chuck Norris to retouch. He takes care of everything the first time.

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Chuck Norris' landscape photo was rejected for poor composition. So he moved the hill and the river closer together and re-shot it.

Coming back from a DoF (*) shooting assignment, Chuck Norris was soon asked about the mayhem and bodies he had left behind. "Oh, so you didn't mean death of field?"

(*)DoF - Depth of Field - глубина резкости

Chuck Norris never uses a tripod. He uses a pile of Ninjas as sandbags. Those guys seem to follow him everywhere anyway.

Chuck Norris takes point & shoot(*) to a whole new level.

(*) point & shoot (в фотографии) - фотоаппарат-мыльница

If Chuck Norris was an aperture, there would be no number small enough to make an equivalent comparison.

There is no shutter speed fast enough to freeze a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris gets his daily fibre intake by eating those expensive Gitzo carbon-fibre tripods for breakfast.

When Chuck Norris talks about shooting with a Canon hand-held, he's not referring to cameras. (моя любимая)

Chuck Norris doesn't have purple fringing(*) in his photos - he has black and blue fringing.

(*) purple fringing - "пурпурный контур" вокруг объектов на фотографии; технический брак; причина отказа в сток-агентствах

Chuck Norris doesn't need keywords (*) - his photos find you.

(*) keywords - ключевые слова; нужны для того чтобы покупатель мог найти нужную ему фотографию;

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Chuck Norris once took a self portrait, but the camera couldnt handle it and exploded. Thus the big bang (*) and here we are today!

(*) big bang - Большой взрыв; начало нашей Вселенной.

As he says on TV so many times, if you don't like what he offers he will pay you back

Every camera Chuck Norris handles shoots with no less then 50FPS

to shoot (в фотографии) - фотографировать
FPS - frame per second - кадров в секунду

Chuck Norris always shoots with a Canon in every hand while flying through the air with continues focus on the subject

Chuck Norris is not using Adobe PhotoShop. He owns many photoshops in different cities.

chuck norris IS the golden mean (*)

(*) mean - середина; злой, противный

Children check under the bed for the bogey man. The bogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

Chuck...
- can kick you faster than your flash sync speed
- when photographing you will not only give you red-eye but also black-and-blue-eye
- is the "Mega" in "Megapixels"
- is the master of single-lens quick reflex mirror slaps
- causes camera shake in anyone trying to photograph him
- invented the fighting systems of: Fu-jitsu, Ni-kon-do, Prakt-kicka, full Contax-Yash-kicka, I-Nokia-Yew-Outta, and Tacky-mu-vee

A reviewer once rejected one of Chuck's photos by accident. Hence the Grand Canyon.
(напоминаю - это сайт стоковых фотографов, которые всегда жалуются что ревьюеры "заворачивают" их фотографии по той или иной причине)

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Человек, начавший эту ветку, посоветовал Type "find Chuck Norris" into google and hit I'm feeling lucky.

Я получила следующее (именно так, красным цветом)
Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

No standard web pages containing all your search terms were found.

Your search - Chuck Norris - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

    * Run, before he finds you
    * Try a different person

[Maire]

СПАСИБО! Смеялась до слез )))))
не могу остановиться )))) Ниндзя вместо штатива, подошва на снимке )))) эффект "синяковых" глаз ))))